It's been ages since I've blogged. Been too busy. Busy being busy, busy with 5 kids. Busy trying to get our lives back on track. Busy being sad, angry, thankful, lonely, joyful..the usual.
Christmas. Yes, I said Christmas. Today, me and my older two were talking about the world. The world 'we' live in here in Canada. Where we have water, food, a house, heat, air conditioning, toys, games, clothes, toys, books, furniture, toys...etc. I told them about the world, the rest of the world that doesn't even have any toys, or many clothes, hardly any home...often no food ...or water. They listened, but they didn't just listen, I could tell, they felt. They felt what we were discussing. We then discussed Christmas. The time of year when we get free passes to ask for any amount of any greedy things we want, and kind of expect to get it..the kids too, not just me. Oh ya, and it IS the birth day of our Saviour, King, and Lord...but mostly, we wait for gifts, make lists...and for us grown ups..we spend a LOT of money. Money we don't have, money we go in debt for, money we are currently thousand upon thousands in debt for. We buy our kids toys, clothes, games, video games, candy. We then later complain that they have too many toys, clothes, games, video games..and candy. We pick up after them and wash hordes of laundry. We store toys in bins upon bins, and curse every Lego we step on (and sometimes cut our feet open on). We then go on to buy gifts for friends, in laws, grandparents, hospital staff, neighbours, pastors, and then some. We buy, we make, we create, we buy crafts and food to create and make. We wrap, we stamp envelopes, print photos, send cards...and it goes on and on and on. When we finally finish (and some of us start in August, to spread out the financial burden)--we feel 'it's not enough for so and so' so...we add more to that gift.
That 'gift' to me, is becoming a burden. A big, dark, looming Christmas BURDEN. I love Christmas. The snow, the food, the family time, the tree, the lights, the joy, the birth of Christ. I hate that I expect to 'get' stuff I need/want. I hate that I feel the need to please the people I'm purchasing for. I hate that I have to add and add and add and add to the gifts to make them ENOUGH.
ENOUGH. My husband is totally going to know I've lost it, and I probably have, but it's still August, and I say ENOUGH. (I did take my anxiety meds this morning, honest, I did). I am NOT buy Christmas gifts this year. Nope. It isn't a punishment. It's a freedom! I wont disclose how much this single income, five kid, one with cancer, and homeschooling family is in debt, it's big, and it's ours, and it's not going to pay itself off. I'm not a scrooge, I think the day can be lovelier without the hype of what you got, what you get.
I ain't buying no one nothing, so don't take it personally. I'm planning on making some stuff with what I've got, or find...I'm going to try to save some money to pay off what we already owe. I'm planning to spend SOME of what we'd spend (500-1000$) on a charity, for those who don't even have WATER or FOOD. I'll offer time and talent where it's needed. I'll give lists to family members who are so sweet and generous, and give my kids gifts. I'll enjoy meals, help cook, and light festive lights. I'll celebrate my Jesus and I'll enjoy the blessed day.
I just ain't buying no one, nothing, and I pray and hope my kids feel that I love them through this, not punish them...
One more game, one more toy, one more anything isn't nearly as precious as one more day together, making cookies and being God's children.
Here's to hoping hubby is on board, and this will be a GREAT holiday to look forward to. I'm tired of dreading it, and hoping to spend it with those who we love.
Is this about cancer, or Luke? Absolutely. He's received more gifts, more coloring books, toys, and things than we can house here...he's loved them..but that passes...he's asked me more....to see people, and to see family and friends..that's what makes him feel loved. That's what lasts.
God Bless, and God willing this Christmas will be the kind I love!