Saturday, August 30, 2014

CAUTION--foul language.

You know that tingly feeling you get, you get all jumpy and antsy, and you wish you had gone sooner, hadn't waited too long, it may be too late, cause your gonna burst...and someone is in the way?

You...push them off the computer chair, and you sigh a sigh of relief as your fingers starting typing out all that has been pent up in stories in your head?! What were you thinking????

I've recently read a lady's blog, Momastary, which is amazing, and she write a post about how she's been watching a less that kid friendly Netflix show, and then one day while playing UNO with her two young kids, she lets out a 'UNO bithches!' and shocks herself and her kids, and her hubby, and probably a lot of her Christian followers.  I was like, oh my goodness, she said 'THAT!' I'm pretty sure I've never said 'THAT.' (not out loud or any thing).

 Well I've been feeling kind of jittery, and daddy has Luke, the Leukemia kid, out for his first camping night, since before diagnosis, nearly three years ago.  It's bringing up a lot of memories for me, and I'm remember that one and only family camping trip we took three summers ago, to the same site they are at tonight.  It sucked.  Luke was four, he was miserable, he was pale, cold, sick, grumpy, and apparently, he was coming down with Leukemia, which we had no clue.

So, I'm a little rattled.  September has a lot of important events for Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.  A Lot of events.  I feel overwhelmed by them, I feel like I want to support them all, but am so tired, and we have chemo still, steroids still, homeschooling is starting, I have a toddler, I have a lot to do.  September is a time when us moms rally and rant about gold gold gold, so we can have people hear our voices, see our kids, make a difference, find better cures.  It's really  really important.  But, so are all the other months.  And days.

I've got some close friends up on 4 North, our oncology ward.  It makes me feel sad and scared, guilty and angry.  It is nearly impossible to enjoy a day, a day we all deserve to enjoy, when there is so much burden and grief right..there...sitting right there...and we go on...I know how that feels first hand..and second hand. It aches.

Yes, it's a ramble.

Summer has pretty much come to an end, and for whatever reasons and excuses, the people I used to see, I didn't really see once.  I saw a couple, but not really the ones I used to chum with.  There are new situations, new friends (shhh, the ones who don't know me too well, still want to hang around!)--but the summer came and went, and I was pretty  As always.  Kinda a little pathetic, eh! I'm not sure what happened, or where I've gone.  Maybe I've retreated more into my ways and world, as we tend to do.

So with all that being said, and a lot I wont and can't say....tonight, I was stressed.  My one sick kid, isn't here, the other four weren't going to bed properly, and I may or may not have let fly a big old bad word.  A word even worse than the quote above, about UNO.  I was wearing jogging pant, and practicing walking in my thrift store heels, I was fed up, I found the last sip of Baileys, the 9 year old was crying so loud, I videoed him and threatened to post it on Facebook.  (judge me not, you never know when you may need these proofs of bad behaviour ).  And then out of my mouth came the big, bad, baddest word. The F word.  None of my kids heard it really, or understood its meaning (remember the other joys of homeschooling besides wearing sweat pants all day, is lack of school ground learning/swear- word learning), but none the less, I said it. Oh, and  I said it loud.

So. There you have it.  I didn't think I'd admit it, I thought I could go to sleep with all this on my chest, wake up and get ready for church, but no, I confess it all.  I'm a mess, I yell at my kids, I occasionally wear inappropriate bedtime foot wear, I can let a bad bad bad word fly, I can complain, and be thankful, and be human.  We can all be human, we can all laugh at ourselves, and we can all move on, and expect tomorrow to be a better day.  So, if you feel down about yourself, and you want a good laugh..picture this lost mama, looking for your youth, looking for her Bailey's, looking for peace in the storms, and making so many mistakes along the way.

Phew, glad I let that out, now I can hopefully sleep with a little more peace--if there is any room for ,me in 'my' bed, which apparently can conveniently sleep a multitude of children, who can sleep in any direction. Peace out.

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