Friday, September 13, 2013

an aching beauty

There is an aching beauty in the fall, as the season of summer closes and fall begins.  The sun shines in such a way that it makes you somehow feel like you are about to enter a new place.  A place of golden and orange, a place of warm colours because the air is cold and crisp.  It has an almost eerie silence to it, as the leaves dry and fall down, and the grass gives up its green, for brown.  The fields of corn that surround my house, are both like a blanket of coziness and a suffocating barricade.  Fall.  It leads to the thoughts of indoor winter days and worries of bad driving weather.   This winter I wont let myself be paralyzed by fear, sitting in one spot, going in circles-- motionlessly.  It leads me to feel such a deep sense of perfect beauty, somehow marred with sadness...sadness as things die and decay, and the fresh greens turn tired and succumb to yet another wintering over...only to start it all again next year.  Sure as sure enough, you know it will all die, rest, begin again.  Regardless as to what I do, or don't do, what I say, or don't say, what I see, or don't just will.  It's reassuring, and yet the thought of it, exhausts me.

I see the sky and it looks like a painting hanging on another painting.  The sun hits things in a slanted way, and the ache and pain washes in and off me and the air is holding my breath for me.

I enjoyed yesterday to it's maximum capacity. I saw the silver and gold linings.  I felt such satisfaction in such simplicity.  A baby tooth lost, a smile so broad, so proud, a moment so precious, it pierced.  I enjoyed the ugly in knowing there would be great beauty in the spring.  I see the hope and the new life that comes with this hope.  I felt things on a level that was profound, I hoped it would wash over me, but instead it penetrated deep into my heart, where I can hold these images, this face, these cheeks in a memory, only my heart can hold.  It was too perfect.

I hold onto that tooth, the tooth fairy tooth..I hold it and I cherish it like a mad woman.  I tell myself, 'he made it this far!! he got here, another milestone, he's alive, he's alive!!!' But. then my brain turns somber and I hide this baby tooth away, in a small box, a ring box, with the date, the name..I tell myself, what if he dies, what if this is the only thing one day I have left of him..physically.  Then I beat myself up for allowing the dark thoughts to take form.  Holding the little box, I hide it away, I tuck it away, like the dark dark sinister, hopeless thoughts that make me feel so unworthy, so un-Christian.  I close the lid, another lid, the drawer, the door. I walk away, knowing I have a small, sweet piece of my son.  I hide it away and pretend it's what any mother would do.  I hide it away, because no one wants to hang out with a woman with 5 kids and a mess of a mind.

It's fall, there is a sweet, sad, hopeful aching beauty, a dying of one season, with a rebirth that is guaranteed to show itself.  Now we just have to make it through and seize it.  But it wont be enough to just make it through, because that's time wasted, and we know how precious days and moments on.  Press on and embrace the glory of the sun, the crunchy leaves, the fallen corn stalks, and the hope of the coming season.  Each season has it's place, it's purpose, and to find the lovely in each one is my mission, my only hope.

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