Last night I was out at Walmart, drowning my sorrows in aisles of cheap and crappy goods, searching for bug spray, oh the life I lead..is so romantic. On my way home, the fields were dusty and lit up with foggy dirt and smelly manure. The lights were blinding, and the farmers in the fields brought tears to my eyes. They seem so alone and lonely out there. Working away in the dark, late, while mostly everyone is home, snug at home in bed, or at home at least. The farmers plowing the way and planing the way and sowing and later reaping. The bright lights made me feel closer to God somehow. The thought that they were out there doing something so natural, so wholesome, so normal. The lights leading them in the dark dark fields that seem so vast and shapeless. The focus on one thing--life, and growth.
I picked the long long long grass roots out of my garden every day and every day, they seem to be back. I see every root as a cancerous growth, taking over my flower bed, weaseling it's way deeper deeper deeper into my soil, into the life of what should be mine, should be pure..should be beautiful flowers. My life has cancer in the flower beds, and in every lurking corner...some dark fear waits to trap me like a spider and a fly who isn't looking.
Now that the CN cycle is done, I feel a sense of emptiness I knew would come. When I'm actively doing something to make the situation better of my boys cancer, I feel like I can conquer ANYthing. When life slows down to the "normal" hum drum, of 5 sick kids with colds, school work, and yard work, and house work..and work work..it seems less ...well less optimistic..and more...worrisome.
My boy is coughing and looking kind of sick, as he's fighting a cold, and I worry. I know worrying does me no good, so I keep busy. Keeping busy doesn't allow me to think..but that's a lie, the thoughts are still there..hiding. I think I'll let them out soon, to say "boo," but then I'll be the one seeking and not hiding, and I'll seek so well, I'll surely win. I can win, and Luke can win.
There is MUCH to be thankful for. I am feeling blessed to have mother's day around the corner, and being a mother to 5 spirited, smart, and caring children, is more than anyone could ask for..and more than many want, lol. I feel like spring and summer are bringing about healthy play and changes in my family, and the fresh air is shaking out our dusty ways and stirring up our hearts and souls. Our new church is rising up daily as the construction workers build and build, cuss and build. Unholy words flung out with every hammer swing makes me laugh, and not judge, but it's ironic how a beautiful house for God is being built with so many four letter words flying out of it. I see the changes of buds and flower and the ever noisy birds and biting bugs. God and the farmers are out and about, making light, casting seeds and rain and sun will make it all grow, and I'll watch and admire the handy work and be blessed by the growth around me. Not the cancerous weeds and pesky dark worries, but the truly good one's from the Lord above.