Monday, May 13, 2013

SO, I'm the mom...

SO, I'm the mom who's got no make up on today and is tired and sick and just called my hubby to talk to a grown up, while yelling out the patio door to the 4 of 5 kids "trampolining" --"GET OFF THERE AND GET YOURSELVES ON TIME OUT! YOU ARE THE WORST KIDS IN TOWN!!"
SO, I'm the mom who made THREE batches of Kraft dinner today for kids who wouldn't even eat  it after it was made--I'm pretty sure that this is illegal, that  much Kraft dinner can't even be considered compost able, can it?? Will strange weeds grow in the garden, and carrots with eyes???
SO, I'm the mom who moves furniture around the living room daily, to re create a new space, in the old space, without buying anything new, but feeling like things have changed...but they really have not.
SO, I'm the mom who checks her message a bazillion times a day, wondering who else is checking theirs as often, geez, don't they have better things to do?
SO, I'm the mom who is relieved Mother's day is over, so I can have a day where I don't have extraordinarily high expectations followed by plummeting lows.

I am a lot of other things, both good and not so good.  There is home made chicken soup for tonight, though they will not want to eat it.  There is homeschooling done for today, though they did not enjoy it.   There is laundry done, and things tidied up, children fed, and babies napped, there are prayers offered and prayers said and at the end of the day, it will have been a regular sort of day.  A day I can add to the others and they all look so good and picture perfectly scrapbooky in the future, as the then are all but passed...I do actually like today, and these days.  But like most things, when we are so close's hard to see the purpose and the good.

SO, I'm the mom who's son has cancer, and I'm the mom who's baby crawls to her, and I'm the mom who's toddler needs a squeezy hug, and I'm the mom who's shy son needs encouragement, and I'm the mom who's growing daughter needs a good example.  SO, I'm the lucky mom who's just yelled out the patio door, who's got things falling apart around her, but who's got all the things she needs, if she can see past the chaos and focus on the treasures that gleam.
SO, I'm the mom who needs to 'can it', and get things back on track, apologize for my harsh words, and tell them how lucky I am to be "the mom."  ....BUT..
Cause...."I'm the mom."

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

farmers and God....

Last night I was out at Walmart, drowning my sorrows in aisles of cheap and crappy goods, searching for bug spray, oh the life I so romantic. On my way home, the fields were dusty and lit up with foggy dirt and smelly manure.  The lights were blinding, and the farmers in the fields brought tears to my eyes.  They seem so alone and lonely out there.  Working away in the dark, late, while mostly everyone is home, snug at home in bed, or at home at least.  The farmers plowing the way and planing the way and sowing and later reaping.  The bright lights made me feel closer to God somehow.  The thought that they were out there doing something so natural, so wholesome, so normal.  The lights leading them in the dark dark fields that seem so vast and shapeless.  The focus on one thing--life, and growth.
I picked the long long long grass roots out of my garden every day and every day, they seem to be back.  I see every root as a cancerous growth, taking over my flower bed, weaseling it's way deeper deeper deeper into my soil, into the life of what should be mine, should be pure..should be beautiful flowers.  My life has cancer in the flower beds, and in every lurking corner...some dark fear waits to trap me like a spider and a fly who isn't looking.

Now that the CN cycle is done, I feel a sense of emptiness I knew would come.  When I'm actively doing something to make the situation better of my boys cancer, I feel like I can conquer ANYthing.  When life slows down to the "normal" hum drum, of 5 sick kids with colds, school work, and yard work, and house work..and work seems less ...well less optimistic..and more...worrisome.

My boy is coughing and looking kind of sick, as he's fighting a cold, and I worry.  I know worrying does me no good, so I keep busy.  Keeping busy doesn't allow me to think..but that's a lie, the thoughts are still there..hiding.  I think I'll let them out soon, to say "boo," but then I'll be the one seeking and not hiding, and I'll seek so well, I'll surely win. I can win, and Luke can win.

There is MUCH to be thankful for.  I am feeling blessed to have mother's day around the corner, and being a mother to 5 spirited, smart, and caring children, is more than anyone could ask for..and more than many want, lol.  I feel like spring and summer are bringing about healthy play and changes in my family, and the fresh air is shaking out our dusty ways and stirring up our hearts and souls.  Our new church is rising up daily as the construction workers build and build, cuss and build.  Unholy words flung out with every hammer swing makes me laugh, and not judge, but it's ironic how a beautiful house for God is being built with so many four letter words flying out of it.  I see the changes of buds and flower and the ever noisy birds and biting bugs.  God and the farmers are out and about, making light, casting seeds and rain and sun will make it all grow, and I'll watch and admire the handy work and be blessed by the growth around me. Not the cancerous weeds and pesky dark worries, but the truly good one's from the Lord above.