Tuesday, April 23, 2013

the times they are a changin'

I haven't been able to write in a while.  I mean, there is always time to write, especially because I love to write...having 5 kids doesn't keep me from writing, washing maybe, but not writing.  I've just had nothing to say.  Of course, nothing to say, means, I've had a lot to say, and not sure where to start, so instead, I festered over it. So today is the perfect day to sit down and write.  See, the baby has the flu,day 8?? and is vomiting, the cancer kid is on day 5 of steroids and is screaming at everyone..the kids are sliding down the slide onto one another, the house is a mess, the dinner is not made, and I'm 2 nights no sleep! It's perfect! 
I had a heavy heart today, as I was chatting (on line, who has real people anymore) with a fellow oncology mommy.  Her daughter is in "good shape" after her cancer treatment, but she has a very rare disorder caused by the cancer, lucky her, eh.  It has been weighing on my mind and heart as this family seeks help where no help has much ever been found...and I found myself looking back through her facebook photos.  I never met her family before cancer.  I look back and see a young, beautiful happy family.  They still are..and another baby is there (3)..but the sadness that now persists and then un knowns they live with..it's just cruel.
I have been thinking how our lives here have been so changed since the day of diagnosis.  The innocence lost, the carefree days gone, and there is this sense of foreboding that lingers like deep dark gloom in the background.  I am trying to sweeten the smell, and uplift the mood, and paint every cloud with that perky silver lining.  But it is just not the same.  We are not the same family. I found a picture of the week before his DX:
It brings back so much.  The "before" pictures haunt and frighten me of the time when so much was taken away.  The woes and worries I had, were so different than those I have now.  The kids I knew had scraped knees, and a few issues, but they didn't die.  They didn't suffer for months, year..they didn't wonder...if....

Today here we are:
We're still a family, in fact, we are closer, and more loving, and more helpful, and more aware of the preciousness of it all.  Of life, of living, of fun, of it all.  I know the ache will be for a greater good.  I know the ache wont stay so painful.  It can and will be used for a better cause.  I know my boy has not lost his fight, and for this I am beyond grateful.  I am ecstatic.  But it does make you wonder....

How can a normal family be "that" family so quickly.  How can that family heal.  How can that family help others.  How can that family deal with what they have on their plate and not always grumble and whine and feel sorry for themselves or jealous of others. 
When I find out, I'll let you know.  In the mean time, I do my best.  We pray hard for the other families whose stories touch us.  We pray hard for Luke.  We ask for complete healing, and we try and get by. 

Better days are yet to come....

  • John 14:27

    Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

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