Tuesday, April 2, 2013

double posting..never a good sign

Some say ...."out with the old, in with the new."  Some don't.  I say, keep hold of the old and nostalgic relics and forget the new, as they are easily replicable.  At least this was the good advice of my mom, and I agree...
I go on cleaning rampages.  I can not handle cancer, or stress, anxieties, life, situations, and I clean.  I put items in bags, bags upon bags.  Big black garbage bags.  Bags full of toys, clothes, extra knick knacks, pots, cups, books...you name, it's in there.  I do this a lot.  I'm not a shop-a-holic, and I definitely do NOT have spare money to buy stuff to just turn around and give it away.  So, as you shake your head in disbelief and wonder, where does one accumulate so much stuff, and give it away?  Well, we get a lot given to us, and I do go to stores, and I do just sort of go through our things a lot and give them away.  We all have baggage.  We have our minds and hearts and souls (and homes) full.  I can only allow so much to come in, before something has to go out.  This is my thing, my style, my quirk (of many).  I am not a huge gifty person, that is NOT my love language (if you've read the book--a great book..The 5 love languages).  I do appreciate gifts, and am so thankful for them, but I am not attached...to much of them...well, except a few shiny ones from my hubby...they are NOT in the big black garbage bags.
Why am I writing about all this...what is my problem..well, where should I begin.  This morning, I found a birthday card lying around.  An older card that has been circulating the house for a while never finding it's special "keepsake box"home.  FINALLY I picked it up and read it.  I figured, it will find it's box, once I see who it was given to.  With five kids, you need organization skills to survive, right?  The card was not inscribed to anyone, but I think it was meant for Jacob, as it had a #2 on it, and he just turned 3 on Friday, so this card has been out of a home for a year.  What caught my attention, was who it was from.  It was signed, from Grandpa Mike and Mary.  It made me stop, and just stare.  I wanted to cry, I tried, but ...still ...nothing.  I put the card in Jacob's box where it will sit and be a memory.  A memory of their grandpa gone way too soon.  Cancer is the worst enemy in our lives these days.  The day continued, as days tend to do, and the chaos and joy danced together in what we like to call "family."  There were many Alexander moments (see previous post of ramblings) and yet no one moved to Australia...yet
So today I learned to hold onto what matters, a small card with some meaningful words, words and memories that can not be redone, only re membered.  I let the bags fill with useless things that wont be missed, and keep my home filled with small simple reminders of what matters.  What matters is my chaos and joy, my family.  I can not just bag up all my woes and send them off to donation, but I can cut out some of the clutter that fogs my mind and trips up my feet and keeps me from seeing clearly what lies ahead of me. 

I say keep your faith strong, and keep your loved ones close.  Keep your hope pilot light lit, and keep your path clear.

It is with a heavy heart that tonight we learned that a friend, a child, a fellow oncology patient has relapsed.  There I sit, and the tears will not come.  Trying to let myself "feel" while caring for 5 young kids, is really impossible.  I ache, and I feel, but I can't let it happen, so I write.  I write to cry, I write to scream and I write to reach out. 

I wonder how kids can endure so much, and the treatments fail.  I am angry that the funding for children's cancer, is what...3-4 %?? I am furious.  What can I expect for Luke?  How can I remain so hopeful when all around us, kids are failed by the options in treatment,while being tortured by them at the same time.  It's nauseating.  I turn to my faith and wait for the tears.
Jeremiah 29:11-12 (New International Version)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.


Robina said...

I will do the crying for you Sarada. I am seeing cancer all around me and I can only imagine how these families feel...you being one of them. I feel helpless in what I can do to help, but I know I'll do what I can. Hug those kids of yours extra tight tonight and I'll do the same with mine. XO

Sarada said...

Thanks, I agree. Hugs

Anonymous said...

How awful it is to watch someone else's pain and be unable to do anything about it. It reminds me of the words from the fourth Station of the Cross we did this Lent, where Jesus' mother meets him: "To watch the pain of those we love is harder than to bear our own. To carry my cross after You, I, too, must stand and watch the sufferings of my dear ones. And I must let them watch mine too."
I am glad you have the ability to write, an important outlet when emotions are so strong.