I have a ton I need to do, but the big kids are playing out in the soon-to-be spring air, and the little one's are watching Netflix. Uh, I mean, the big kids are studying about seasons and observing the change from solid to liquid as the snow melts and ...ah, who's kidding who.
I made some choices, not all good during my grief and anger of Luke's sickness. I've stopped perusing some relationships and let them go. I've worked on building a few new ones, tentatively, because making new friends when you are weak, makes you feel like you are only there to be saved and pitied. I've been able to breathe easiest in the great, old, tried and true relationships that after so many many years, can hold up through this and, well, honestly, anything at this point. Phew for those ones!
I think a lot of the time that we were in the thick of the mess, I was angry. REALLY REALLY ANGRY. I expected nothing, yet expected everything. I also expected that people would know what I did and did not need. It would be cool, because I didn't know, so if they did, wow, they'd be...magicians! I've been disappointed a lot by "those" I thought would be the one's picking us up, and shocked by "those" who did pick us up. I am not at all surprised by HIM who lifted us up, higher above our mess and said, " look at me, don't look down, I'll carry you through, and you'll arrive."
I'm sorry for the pain I've caused in punishing. I thought punishing people would make me feel justified in the disappointments, but of course, it only makes the wound deeper. By punishing I don't mean I've pounded anyone out, I just give up...and walk away. I don't pretend to be a perfect Christian, a model citizen, an example, one to inspire. I'm faulty to the core, and learning daily. I have a lot to learn about letting go of my "angry eye brows"--that's a veggie tales reference.
So, I've tried to punish, and it punishes me. I am now working on grace and forgiveness. I need that from others, and for others. When I figure out that people are people. They can not do what I expect or want, and I can not control them, it will be a better day for all of us! I wish things were always happy and rosy.
Here's a great couple of quotes I came across in reading Little Women, said by the girl's mom:
"I've been trying to cure it for forty years and have only succeeded in controlling it. I am angry nearly every day of my life....but have learned not to show it; and I still hope to learn not to feel it, though it may take me another forty to do so."
"Watch and pray, dear; never get tired of trying, and never think it is impossible to conquer your fault."
Amen to that, Marmee! I like that!
Back to work, and back to Grace, I'll stop punishing myself and let others off the hook, cause after all, we're all doing our best. I've seen who I can lean on in my worst and biggest nightmare, and I am truly truly thankful for that, as painful as the realities are, they are worth seeing.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in
weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses,
so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Chorinthians 12:9